So here I was talking to one of my favorite friends about relationships and marriage.

It has become apparent to me recently that I have not ever had a good model for relationships simply because there havent been any successful relationships of people close to me in my life that I could reflect on. My parents are divorced and the same is true with most of my friends. And for the friends that have married parents still…. Well their parents are typically in a position where they dont love each other anymore or have some sort of serious marital problem that does not allow them anymore to be a functional team. 

So talking to my friend, who is one of the only people I know who has had a good set of parents to model after. I was talking to him about how he solves his relationship and soon to be marital problems. 

He said that talking about things and putting yourself in the other persons shoes works rather well.  Something more that caught my attention, I asked him how he felt about being married so early, hes not even twenty one years old yet.  He mentioned that with how long their relationship has been. There are many situations and times where the maturity of their relationship has outgrown the typical maturity of their age. Given that and their dedication to each other it has become harder for them to not be married because they have already committed so much of their lives together. Mentioning also that the way they have been able to grow as themselves as well as grow together in a relationship has made him understand that relationships are not about just finding a perfect person who matches you, but instead about finding someone you work well enough with to be able to take the time and decide that its worth it to grow together.

Through the conversation I ended up being incredibly impressed by the amount of maturity this twenty year old kid had been able to articulate. Honestly, I have hope for this relationship and I believe that they will truly be able to work.  Its reassuring, thought I might share that with you all.

Also, happy new year, lest make “the last year” count. haha

Faith is an interesting thing, typically it seems to give people a sense of hope, allowing them to push behind them all of the bothers of their daily life because they have faith that “everything will be okay” or “everything happens for a reason”

Most people put their faith in a higher power, others Karma or yet still others simple things like luck.

Its been quite some time that I have had any faith to speak of what so ever. I used to have plenty of it. More than enough for myself and plenty for all of my friends and family.

My faith had perished, been extinguished. For quite some time I had been running through life trying to forget that my faith had left me and nothing in the world gave me that feeling that everything was going to be okay.

But as of recently I have found a new faith, nothing big, but simply a candle in the dark of my soul, nothing to share, only enough for me. Just enough to keep moving, just enough to give me hope. Just enough.

Dear Slippery Gypsy, 

    First and foremost, I love you. Never have I loved anyone so deeply as I have loved you. Though it had been nine months of dating and I told you for the first time while sitting in the back of the limousine in Las Vegas, I had wanted to tell you for quite some time. At first I realized I couldn’t because it would put more stress on you than you needed for where you were in life. Eventually I told you because it needed to be said, I felt so strongly towards you that I would have been willing to do anything to keep you. I had thought about the possibility of being married to you, keeping you forever. Possibilities of what would have been and what could have happened. I cherished those ideas, they comforted me. Yes I had thought about the possibility of being married to other people before. With them it all seemed to planned out, as if life would have already been lived and I just needed to wait to die. With you, the possibilities were endless, the future was clouded as if walking into a beautiful fog lit only by small street lamps.

     The last year of my life had been about the best year I can remember, I have so many wonderful memories that I cherish and hold dear with you. Our first night after not seeing each other in about four years. Having some tea at the Mate factor, laughing at your red headed friend and her ridiculous need for sexy underwear that she thought would be at Wal Mart of all places. Then our adventure of gold camp road, old stage road, hanging out until at least 4:30 in the morning talking, getting to re know each other looking at the waterfall in the moonlight. I do think that was the last time I was awake all night until I saw the sun come up. Having drinking nights, trying to watch scrubs but giggling and playing with each other too much to really watch the show. Going to the Mens Wearhouse Christmas party, that was fun, and damn you looked smokin in that dress. Our adventure up to Winter Park, just you and me, an escape for a night from all the people we know. Inter tubing down the hill, and giving you a romantic massage with candles lit in the bathtub. Waking up next to you and kissing your whole body from head to toe, just to tell you how much I like you. I liked to bring you coffee and small treats while you were at work, sneaking in a kiss while your managers weren’t looking. Just to see your day kick off with a smile… God I love your smile. Going up to the race track with you, betting on horses by which one looked prettiest. Helping you get Smokin Paul back to the springs. Walks through the dog park, arms locked together. Piggy back rides. Then the big one, going to Las Vegas, words can hardly describe how much fun I had with you, and I know you had fun with me. They say a picture is worth a thousand words, you have somewhere in the neighborhood of eight hundred and four pictures from that trip, at least a few hundred of us, so a few hundred thousand words to describe how much fun we had…… Yeah sounds right. It was a blast though, being with you, seeing your fave have that beautiful smile the whole time. Seeing the lights, floating in the lazy river, driving Lamborghinis, riding in a limousine up and down the strip, helicopter flight over the lit up city at night. Waking up next to you every day for a week. It was heaven. One thing that really stuck with me was how when we got back, you missed me so very much, every day you told me how much you missed me, how you wished you could wake up with me, how you wanted to see me, kiss me. It was at this time that I knew for certain that you were in love with me, even though you didn’t say it.

     Slippery Gypsy, the last year truly had been magical, sure there were a few down times, family trouble. Arguments between us, even though we were never good at being mad at each other. Or at least I was not good at being mad at you. But overall it was magical. Then everything changed, you were kicked out of your house. I had you come stay with me because I had always wanted to take care of you. Make you breakfast in the morning and tell you how beautiful you are. I loved it, I got to see you every day. But something was different. We didn’t talk much, you thought I wanted you with me as a bit of a booty call. I didn’t, of course I enjoyed being intimate with you, but I needed to know you were safe. I wanted to provide that for you, a warm bed, food if needed, company and someone who loved you. You left for Ohio, to go to jockey camp, and god I was glad we had gotten you new tires on Satcha. Sent with you honey sticks two for each day you would be out there. Each with a note, a saying, something telling you how much I care and miss you.

     It was when you got back that shit went to hell, not immediately, but shortly after. Your brothers wedding, which again you looked amazing in your dress. You had said when your grandma left you would come back and stay with me because you wouldn’t be welcome in your house again. Then suddenly you stopped talking to me Slippery Gypsy. We hadn’t gone more than twelve hours the whole year without talking. After a full day obviously I was concerned, I talked to your dad who said you had to have an emergency vet visit for Paul, I became increasingly worried because I didn’t hear from you. I kept trying to reach you. So I came over to make sure you were alive. You were. But the next day I knew we needed to talk, about us, and things, life, and stuff. I couldn’t find you, you wouldn’t come home or respond to my texts or pick up my phone calls. Until I was able to finally catch you at your house. I asked where you had been because I knew you didn’t go home that night and you weren’t with me. You said you had stayed with your friends. I found out from those same friends that you in fact hadn’t. When I asked you Slippery Gypsy you lied to me. I told you I knew you had lied but you would not tell me the truth. I knew you stayed with the new boy you had become friends with. It was this knowledge, along with you lying to me that I knew I regretfully had to break up with you. But I made it clear that I wanted to be in your life, hoping we could work things back out if you wanted to be honest. Then Slippery Gypsy, I found out, after talking to the man in the uniform that you had been cheating on me, for most of our relationship……. . I was very hurt. But something inside me knew this had been going on, I just couldn’t accept it until I talked to that man and found out. You had lied to me about him for months. I was beside myself. I didn’t know up from down, right from left. I was afraid that everything had been a lie, that all my memories with you were now tainted. The respect I gave you in all forms, the trust, taken for granted, misused.

    But dear Slippery Gypsy, I came back to you, I had a hell of a time finding you again. But none the less I came back and wanted to tell you that I still love you. That you were in fact the most important person in my world. I wanted to talk about everything and figure out why things happened the way they did.

Slippery Gypsy, I forgave you for everything that you had done wrong to me, for breaking my heart. I wanted to make amends, be adults and move past these things, grow stronger together and build an indestructible bond. I made it very clear that I care so much about you. That I believe you to be a good person who made a bad choice. You had even said so yourself you regretted it, would never cheat again and had been foolish and stupid.

     Slippery Gypsy, I came back and gave you a second chance, a chance to rebuild what we had, what I thought and felt to be a true and genuine relationship. I thought you would take it, as you had said if there was a possibility to mend our relationship you would try. At least that’s what you said when we broke up.

   Its becoming clear to me now though Slippery Gypsy, that maybe I am not that important to you. You tell me you love me still, that I am your favorite person in the universe. Yet you still are secretive, you still hide, you still don’t seem to put in the effort to maintain what we agreed we wanted to maintain. Its killing me. The last year heaven, the last month hell.

I now feel a fool, my heart and world shattered, you were the only good thing I had. But now I feel I must give that up also.  Slippery Gypsy, my heart still needs you. Every car thats blue I think is yours and my heat leaps to see you. Every time I get home I imagine that your sitting in my driveway waiting, so you can fall into my arms and tell me your sorry, you love me, you want to be with me. But over the last month its become clear, as my heart screams out in pain, needing your love to soothe it. My mind must tell it no, that love is no more.

These feel my darkest hours Slippery Gypsy.
I don’t know what this letter truly means, but it is for you Slippery Gypsy.
This is my heart poured out in words to the best way I can describe.
There is so much left unsaid but pages can not go forever. 

One day my heart will truly learn to move on, though I fear and loathe that day, wishing it will never come. I know this must happen, you have not shown me that I am as important to you as you tell me I am, and it hurts as bad as anything. Ive been treated as a convenience, and still feel lied too.  I realized that this whole time I have been letting you have control, keeping me on the hook, an addiction, just enough of you to stay addicted, but not so little to have a withdrawal.  I have to take back control, it has been killing me, my heart has been yours, but your not taking care of it. I have to guard it and allow it to heal. I wish that I would be able to let you have it, but not now with how your treating it.

P.S. I will always love you Slippery Gypsy, I just wish you would see whats in my heart for you.

“The most beautiful discovery true friends make is that they can grow separately without growing apart.”

-Elisabeth Foley

“We get so focused on micromanaging God and His Kingdom that we forget to realize that He is more than capable of handling things on His own!”
-Bridget Willard

This is a fun little game/experiment to determine what you believe about God. give it a whirl.

http://www.philosophersnet.com/games/god.php

“When all is said and done, you are part of me. That’s the way it was meant to be. People are brought together for a reason, everything happens for a reason. I believe the reason that you and me were brought together was because we complete one another. We fill in each other’s missing spots with love. And if someday God decides to tear us apart, I trust that there is a reason. Cause if there is a reason for love, there is a reason for life beyond it.”